Sex and marriage might just be two of the most contradictory activities we humans engage in.
Sex is all about freedom, pleasure, and spontaneity. It thrives on breaking routines, novelty, risk, and experimentation.
Then there's marriage. Place that word next to sex, and it feels heavy, almost boring. Marriage, after all, is about commitment. It demands safety, hard work, and steady routines. It's less about spontaneity, more about predictability and structure.
Perhaps this is why one of the most common complaints we hear goes something like this, “Now that we’re married, have kids, and are busy all the time, my spouse never wants to have sex with me.”
We think there's a way out of this relationship paradox. And it starts with taking a hard look at all the things you might be doing to interrupt the flow of sexual desire.
Here are our six pro-tips to watch out for...
Knowing that nobody on your Zoom calls can smell you, assume that it’s the same with your partner.
Showers? Who needs them.
Shaving? Why would anyone do that?
Sweatpants? Of course. That’s perfect date night attire.
Be sure not to schedule time for date nights or intimacy. Listen to the voice inside of you that says, “That takes too much effort," or “That would be awkward" or, our favorite, "Sex should be spontaneous."
Instead, just assume that in the midst of the thousand or so logistics you and your partner manage, you'll have plenty of opportunities for spontaneous sex.
Let’s face it, initiating sex sometimes feels uncomfortable. And there’s always a risk that your partner will reject you, that you’ll have to endure the sting of his or her, “Not tonight honey."
So it’s easier to simply never take the risk of initiating sex. Instead, just assume that your partner has perfect ESP and can read your mind when you're in the mood. Then, when they fail to interpret the contents of your mind, get passive aggressive and resentful. Start telling yourself stories like, “She never wants to have sex with me.” Then see if you can turn that fleeting thought into a self-fulfilling prophesy.
Priorities? Those business platitudes are overrated.
Boundaries? Who needs them. Besides, it’s hard to say “no“ to the incoming requests and demands of coworkers, friends, and extended family members. It’s just so easy to say “yes."
People like you and they smile at you when you turn their agenda for your life into your agenda for your life.
By ditching all priorities and boundaries with the outside world, you’ll fill your life with so many commitments and obligations that by the time the clock strikes 8 PM, you and your partner will barely be able to keep your eyes open for an episode of your favorite show, let alone an amazing night of sex.
Do you feel angry or irritated with your spouse? Best not to bring it up.
Do you feel like the two of you never talk about what’s really going on in your lives? Just keep asking your partner about the weather or the news or the latest parent gossip at your child’s school.
The more you withhold your full experience of the highs and lows in your life together, the less your partner will feel connected and in sync with you. And this turns out to be the ultimate pro-tip for ensuring that they never want to have sex with you.
Turn sex into the rhetorical third rail of your partnership together.
Don’t share what you’re interested in.
Don’t talk about what you like.
Keep your fantasies to yourself.
And, if you’re lucky, your partner will never want to have sex with you, ever again.
So there you go. Six ways to DESTROY your partners sexual desire.
But what do you do if you want to enhance your intimacy?
Steer clear of these six traps and do the exact opposite.