KLEMP INSIGHTS
NEWSLETTER

We have a question for you.

Why do you feel so busy?

At this point, you're probably thinking, "Is that a real question? I'm busy because I'm busy, because there's just so much shit to do."

Good answer. And it's true. We live in a unique period of human history, a time when all of us face an increasingly long list of stuff to do: pet dentist appointments, parent-Uber-ing kids to all manner of extracurricular activities, and thrice-weekly zone-two cardio workouts (thanks Peter Attia).

So...

Over the summer, we did something crazy.

For the first time in over 20 years, we took 10 weeks off from our work, left our home, and traveled to France. We went on Family Sabbatical.

We first came across this idea five years ago during our interviews for The 80/80 Marriage. Several couples told us, "The best decision we ever made was to take our kids on a Family Sabbatical."

We were persuaded.

So we spent a year and a half preparing for the trip. We learned French, a new language for us...

The management scientist Edward Deming once said, "Every system is perfectly designed to get the results it gets."

Now, Deming was talking about large organizations and companies. But his insight applies perfectly to relationships for two reasons.

First, his words offer an important reminder. The results you and your partner are getting -- both good and bad -- aren't happening by random chance. They're created by an underlying system of habits, perfectly designed to give you those results.

Here's a passage from Esther Perel's Mating in Captivity that just about knocked us off our chairs the first time we read it:

Today, we turn to one person to provide what an entire village once did: a sense of grounding, meaning, and continuity. At the same time, we expect our committed relationships to be romantic as well as emotionally and sexually fulfilling. Is it any wonder that so many relationships crumble under the weight of it all?

Perel's big insight? That we now expect everything...

When you and your partner start fighting, all sorts of things happen.

Your heart rate increases.

Stress hormones pulse through your body.

Your muscles clench.

You become more defensive, less curious.

But there's something else that changes, something so subtle that it often flies under the radar of our awareness: everything speeds up.

The conversation shifts from a meandering 40 mph drive through the countryside to a 120 mph drag race.

And, just like driving, having contentious convers...

In this age of constant distraction and stimulation, we've forgotten how to relax.

Why?

Let us count the ways.

Parenting -- this task fills our days with endless emotional, mental, and old-school physical labor. 

Work -- there's no such thing as a 9am to 5pm anymore. Nowadays, work involves the always-on, Whac-a-Mole-style, task of answering texts, calls, and emails at all hours.

Phones -- they now gobble up all the time that's leftover. The wait at the store. The delay at the doctor's o...

You've probably heard of the Marie Kondo method of tidying up.

If you haven't, here's the scoop:

• Pick up each of your material possessions
• Ask "Does this bring me joy?"
• If it does, keep it
• If it doesn't, thank it and then get rid of it.

This method is great for decluttering your living space. But we think it's worth pushing the Marie Kondo method one step further, beyond just getting rid of old sports jerseys, vacation tchotchkes from the late 1990s, and dusty books that, let's fa...

Just the other day, we had a moment of clarity.

Our book, The 80/80 Marriage, has now been out for almost two years. Throughout this time, we've wondered: Why do some couples who read the book report massive transformations while others report feeling hesitant, almost overwhelmed, by the idea of shifting to 80/80?

We finally uncovered the answer: the 80/80 model is radical, way more radical than we initially understood. 

The goal of this framework isn't to shift from marginal to good in yo...

In the early days of a relationship, you go on these things called "dates." You don’t live together. You don’t share finances. So dates are the only time you see each other.

Then you get married, add a kid or three to the picture and, all of a sudden, you start to have the opposite experience. You're now together. All. The. Time.

You eat together. You sleep together. You spend hours and hours planning the logistics of life together.

So now you need to bring dates back into the picture, but fo...

Over the last few years, we've immersed ourselves in the cultural conversation on marriage. What we've found is that just about everyone, from bloggers to therapists to celebrities, seems intent on promoting the same marital cliché: marriage is hard.

It's a platitude that is at least partially true. Early on in marriage, it's helpful to hear this.

For us, for example, we walked into marriage with all sorts of misguided ideas. We thought marriage would be more like an episode of Friends, les...