We have some reassuring words for you today.
If you've ever had a knock-down-drag-out fight or even just a heated argument on date night, you are not alone.
We certainly have. In fact, we had our most explosive fight ever during what should have been a wonderful date night sitting outside on the patio at a Mediterranean restaurant.
It's an argument we recount at the beginning of The 80/80 Marriage -- an argument over which one of us would pick up our daughter from daycare.
Here’s one way to approach sex in marriage. Call it the “wing it” approach.
Sex should be spontaneous, wild, and free, like something out of a teenage fantasy or romance novel. You can’t make it happen. You have to just allow it to happen organically. That’s what makes it so amazing, mind blowing, and erotic.
Here’s another way to approach sex in marriage. Call it the “planned eroticism" approach.
Sure, it would be amazing to hook up on a...
It’s the marital equivalent of the Wi-Fi network in your house. It’s an invisible force and yet it’s always there, operating in the background. And, just like your Wi-Fi, when power goes out of whack, you feel an instant surge of irritation, anger, and sometimes even rage.
When we started writing The 80/80 Marriage, one of our primary goals was to better understand the dynamics of power in marriage. We had both experienced first-hand the sting of resentment that...
If you're like just about everyone we know, this was a really strange and difficult year.
And, again, if you're like just about everyone we know, the challenges of civil unrest, a divisive election, and (let's not forget) a global pandemic may have taken a toll on your marriage.
Maybe you fight more.
Maybe you're frustrated more easily.
Maybe you feel like you have no space and that you're living on top of each other.
Or maybe you find that, like the economy, your sex life has...
After seventeen or so years of living together and carefully examining our habits, we started to notice the importance of mode switching in relationships.
All relationships have a variety of modes. For instance, we often get caught in logistics mode. This is the mode where we become like two startup cofounders, spending our days coordinating calendars, executing on important to-dos, and thinking ahead to upcoming events, trips, and kids activities.
Then there’s parent mode. This is the...
Has this ever happened to you?
You’re walking down the street. Out of the corner of your eye, you notice a strikingly beautiful man or woman.
You turn your gaze toward them and, without knowing why, you find yourself drawn to the sight of this person.
Seconds later, you may even find yourself lost in a mental daydream, a spontaneous fantasy where you're seducing this innocent bystander in a chaise lounge by a pool. Or perhaps you just feel the tingling sensations of sexual energy...
There’s something odd about the very idea of "the science of marriage." Raising kids together, negotiating disputes, or having outrageous sex – these aren't "scientific" activities. It would be odd to use predictive analytics to improve your parenting. It would be even stranger to use data sets of your past trysts to spice up your sex life.
All that's to say that science can't explain the mystery of marriage -- the actual experience of being in love.
Will and Jada Smith recently introduced a new word into the vernacular of marriage: “entanglements." It’s their way of referring to the people outside your marriage who blur the line between friendship and an emotional or actual affair.
We thought this whole idea of “entanglements" raised a fascinating question: when does a relationship outside of marriage become something more like an emotional affair? When does it begin to undermine intimacy and trust in...
These are the words of Esther Perel, the master theorist of sex and eroticism in marriage. Her big idea is that marriage consists of two conflicting aims. On one side, we crave security, comfort, and safety. On the other, we crave adventure, excitement, and sometimes even risk.
We thought we’d ask because this is a real question for many couples.
In the abstract, getting stuck together in a small space for months at a time sounds downright erotic. Don’t people travel long distances and pay tons of money for that sort of thing?
But then there's the reality of quarantine. The daily stream of heart-wrenching news updates. The background hum of stress and anxiety. And the fact that you now see each other, your pets, and your...