The modern world has sold us on the illusion of control.
Time management systems tell us that we can control the passing hours of each day.
Influencers tell us we can control our mind, body, and emotions by taking the right supplements, eating the right foods, and doing the right practices.
Our society at large tells us that we can control our sense of self-worth and happiness by winning big at the game of capitalism.
So it’s no surprise that one of the most frustrating...
You've probably heard of the Marie Kondo method of tidying up.
If you haven't, here's the scoop:
This method is great for decluttering your living space. But we think it's worth pushing the Marie Kondo method one step further, beyond just getting rid of old sports jerseys, vacation tchotchkes from the late 1990s, and dusty books that,...
Happy New Year!
If you’re like us, you’re beginning to think about new intentions, resolutions, and habits for 2024.
So we wanted to use this newsletter as a subtle nudge, a reminder to think not only about your individual habits but also about your habits as a couple for 2024.
Your relationship, after all, rests on a vast system of often unconscious habits. It’s a system perfectly designed to create both the good and bad in your life together.
Bad habits create...
We live in an age of hyper connection.
We can text our partner at all hours of the day and night. We can track their every move using Google Location Sharing. We can even FaceTime them when we’re thousands of miles away.
So why is it so hard for modern couples to stay connected?
Researchers at UCLA have an answer. They followed around thirty modern couples, observing them like anthropologists as they ate, got the kids ready for school, and navigated the logistics of...
What we're about to tell you may be hard to hear.
So take a breath.
See if you can get curious.
One of the biggest barriers to a happier relationship is this: you haven't updated your model of love since high school.
You remember high school love. It's when desire struck like a lightning bolt of dopamine, when you had endless hours of free time, when you could make the spur-of-the moment decision to cut class to hang out together at the mall without...
Here’s a fun question for your next date night: “Do we feel rich?"
Notice that the question here isn’t, “are we rich?" That’s a much less interesting question, one you can easily answer with a quick Google search.
"Do you feel rich?" is a better question because it turns out to have almost nothing to do with the dollars in your bank account.
We first learned this in our interviews with couples for The 80/80 Marriage.
One couple decided that they...
We call it the pleasure guilt cycle.
And we’re guessing that you take a ride on this merry-go-round of indulgence and self-loathing most days. We certainly do.
The pleasure guilt cycle is what happens when two conflicting mental messages collide.
The first comes from the suffocatingly helpful zeitgeist of modern wellness influencer culture. It goes something like this:
Why do you feel stuck? Here’s the answer served up by our modern world: your partner.
Just think about the way conversations with friends go down. When was the last time you were out with a group of women talking about their husbands over drinks and heard the line, “I think my real issue with Steve is that I need to do a little bit more introspective work on myself. I need to figure out how I am creating this dynamic?”
Is that what you heard? Or did you...
Here’s the first thing the world tells us about relationship success: find a unicorn.
Find your Mr. or Mrs. Right. Find that rom-com-worthy, diamond-in-the-rough guy or gal.
What happens then? Magic.
Once you find this unicorn partner, they will make everything okay. They will shower you with love and affection.
Unicorns, after all, aren’t like the rest of those other losers out there. They’re always turned on and in the mood. They cook and do all the dishes for fun....
When we interviewed couples, we heard tragic stories of divorce, constant conflict, and affairs.
But we also heard about a milder, more insidious, force pulling most couples apart.
Think you don't have a problem with your phone? Think again.
Most research estimates that fifty percent of us admit to experiencing a full-on behavioral addiction to our phones. And while we might touch our partner lovingly several times a day, we touch our phones an average of ...