What if we were to tell you that your life is really just an elaborate video game?

The purpose of the game? To win, obviously, and score as many points as you can.

How do you score points? Three ways: money, approval, and achievement. The higher your aggregate score, the faster you move up the leaderboard, the better you feel about your position in the game. 

You might notice though that there’s something peculiar about the scoring system: you only get points for the things you do outsi...

Want to pick an epic fight with your partner?

Just do this. Take your mom’s side rather than their side in an argument.

Or this. Ditch them for a night out with your friends.

Or this. Cancel on them at the last minute so that you can join a Zoom meeting with your boss.

We’re not actually suggesting that you pick this massive fight. That would be crazy. We’re just highlighting an accidental habit that lives in the background of most relationships. 

What’s the habit? 

Prioritizing ot...

You can take all sorts of surveys and assessments to better understand the strength of your relationship.

But we want to propose that a single question—what we call "The Brag Test"—can tell you everything you need to know. 

What's the question?

When you're talking to others and your partner isn't around, do you mostly criticize or brag about them?

If you mostly brag about their accomplishments, best qualities, and strengths, you passed. In fact, you get an A+ on The Brag Test. It's a sig...

Next week marks the 20th anniversary of our engagement.

And if there's one thing we've learned from two full decades of navigating the holidays as a couple, it's this:

If you stay connected and in sync, you can manage even the most bat-shit-crazy emotional drama that comes your way.

If you don't, the stress of the holidays will land on your life like an atomic bomb.

So today, we want to give you a single practice for staying connected during the holidays.

Take a Grinch Day.

What's ...

Surgeon General Vivek Murthy recently issued an advisory warning that couples with kids now face a mental health crisis.

Why?

We're trying to succeed at everything and burning ourselves out in the process.

In Murthy's words, "compared with just a few decades ago, mothers and fathers spend more time working and more time caring for their children, leaving them less time for rest, leisure and relationships."

Murthy's point is that success used to mean becoming excellent at one thing.

You...

We have a question for you.

Why do you feel so busy?

At this point, you're probably thinking, "Is that a real question? I'm busy because I'm busy, because there's just so much shit to do."

Good answer. And it's true. We live in a unique period of human history, a time when all of us face an increasingly long list of stuff to do: pet dentist appointments, parent-Uber-ing kids to all manner of extracurricular activities, and thrice-weekly zone-two cardio workouts (thanks Peter Attia).

So...

Have you ever noticed that being in an intimate relationship is a lot like competing in a decathlon?

A winning decathlete can’t just be good at throwing a javelin. She must also excel at the high jump, running the 1600 meters, pole vaulting and a bunch of other seemingly unrelated events.

Likewise, in intimate relationships, you can’t just excel in one relationship role. You can’t just be amazing at sex or a wildly entertaining conversationalist or a superbly organized financial planner. Yo...

Over the summer, we did something crazy.

For the first time in over 20 years, we took 10 weeks off from our work, left our home, and traveled to France. We went on Family Sabbatical.

We first came across this idea five years ago during our interviews for The 80/80 Marriage. Several couples told us, "The best decision we ever made was to take our kids on a Family Sabbatical."

We were persuaded.

So we spent a year and a half preparing for the trip. We learned French, a new language for us...

Think about how most conflicts go down.

Your partner says something that triggers you, something like, “Why do you keep putting the bowls in the dishwasher the wrong way?”

You hear this as an attack, an affront to your self-image as a fully competent adult, capable of loading dishes without supervision. 

Your mind starts to flood with thoughts, “What! Are you my boss now? Who cares if the bowls are facing the 'wrong' way?”

That's when it happens. Milliseconds later, you discharge all o...

The management scientist Edward Deming once said, "Every system is perfectly designed to get the results it gets."

Now, Deming was talking about large organizations and companies. But his insight applies perfectly to relationships for two reasons.

First, his words offer an important reminder. The results you and your partner are getting -- both good and bad -- aren't happening by random chance. They're created by an underlying system of habits, perfectly designed to give you those results.