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You Can't Have It All in Marriage (But You Can Have This)

habits roles space stress Sep 15, 2020

Over the last several decades, our culture has adopted a new definition of success. It used to be that success in life involved being really good at one thing.

You might be an amazing writer. A brilliant teacher. A savvy businessperson. Or a devoted stay-at-home parent.

Nowadays, however, we've expanded the scope of success. It’s no longer enough to be good at just one thing. We now have to be good at, well, everything.

If you're an overachiever at work, with a stressful job, you...

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What do you do with those random and automatic sexual thoughts in marriage?

affairs habits science sex Sep 09, 2020

Has this ever happened to you?

You’re walking down the street. Out of the corner of your eye, you notice a strikingly beautiful man or woman.

You turn your gaze toward them and, without knowing why, you find yourself drawn to the sight of this person.

Seconds later, you may even find yourself lost in a mental daydream, a spontaneous fantasy where you're seducing this innocent bystander in a chaise lounge by a pool. Or perhaps you just feel the tingling sensations of sexual energy...

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Your Spouse is Into Something Weird (What Do You Do?)

conflict habits stress Aug 26, 2020

A couple months ago, Nate took up a bizarre practice. After reading the recently released book Breath by James Nestor, he became convinced of the benefits of nasal breathing (breathing through your nose instead of your mouth).

The scientific case for nasal breathing is robust. A vast body of evidence shows that simply breathing through your nose improves sleep quality, reduces stress, and enhances our ability to absorb oxygen.

There’s just one problem. How do you breathe...

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Is 'Completion Addiction' Hurting Your Marriage?

habits priorities space stress Aug 12, 2020

Several years ago, we noticed a strange pattern in our lives together. With marathon to-do lists, overflowing inboxes, and the constant demands of raising a small human being, we spent much of life trying to achieve "completion."

Completion might be getting to inbox zero. Or it might be finally planning out all of our daughter's summer camps. Or it might be that ecstatic feeling of having a house that's perfectly clean and in order.

What’s the problem with completion? The problem, we...

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How can you tell the difference between big and little problems in marriage?

The last several months have been hard on everyone. We've heard this from countless couples. We’ve also heard them say, “Sometimes, I can't tell whether we are just having a bad day or whether something is really wrong.”

At the individual level, this can show up as having trouble distinguishing life's ordinary upsets from something more serious: chronic anxiety, depression, or burnout.

In marriage, this can show up as having trouble distinguishing everyday tiffs...

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5 science-backed ways to improve your marriage

habits science sex Jul 29, 2020

 

There’s something odd about the very idea of "the science of marriage." Raising kids together, negotiating disputes, or having outrageous sex – these aren't "scientific" activities. It would be odd to use predictive analytics to improve your parenting. It would be even stranger to use data sets of your past trysts to spice up your sex life. 

All that's to say that science can't explain the mystery of marriage -- the actual experience of being in love. 

And...

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Why You Should be Failing More at Life

habits priorities stress Jul 15, 2020

 

Over the last 50 or so years, we've witnessed a strange shift in the definition of success. Success used to mean becoming excellent at one thing. You could be a successful writer by authoring great books. You could be a successful cook by creating delicious meals. You could be a successful businessperson by getting regular promotions at work.

Today, however, the scope of success has shifted, from being good at one thing to, well, just about everything. It’s not...

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These Outsiders Can Make Marriage Impossible

 

One of the most profound marriage insights comes down to some simple math. There’s the two of you: you and your partner. And then there are your “thirds.”

Now, this idea alone isn’t groundbreaking. It’s not going to radically change your life.

But here’s something that might. Marriage therapist and author Stan Takin argues that these “thirds” pose one of the greatest threats to the health of a marriage. A third could be your friend or...

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Are Your Quarantine Hangover Habits Impacting Your Marriage?

coronavirus habits risk stress Jun 25, 2020

 

Now that stay-at-home orders and quarantines are easing (for some of us), we’ve noticed a pattern, both as individuals and as a couple. It’s a pattern we're calling "the quarantine habit hangover."

Just like a real hangover from a night where you had a little bit too much fun, this hangover starts with an earlier attempt to seek short-term pleasure. But unlike the morning after a wild party, this one is more like a three-month daze brought on by all sorts of odd...

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The Power of Creating Physical and Mental Space in Marriage

 

Over the last couple months, many couples have experienced the disappearance of space. Physical space is gone. We used to have work, business trips, the gym, and all sorts of other events and activities in life that provided this kind of physical space and separation from each other.

But that’s only part of the problem. We are also experiencing the disappearance of mental space. This form of space is less tangible but perhaps even more significant. It’s space from...

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