Articles on the
80/80 Marriage

If you're reading this newsletter, chances are that (1) you've heard of the marshmallow test and (2) you've set your life up around passing it with flying colors. 

Nice work!

The marshmallow test, of course, comes from a classic 1972 experiment  conducted at Stanford University. Children were given the choice between eating one marshmallow now or getting two marshmallows if they were willing to wait for 15 minutes (all while staring at the marshmallow in front of them). ...

If you've read The 80/80 Marriage, this newsletter, or any book on relationships, you know about the power of appreciation.

It's a relationship tool validated by a vast body of scientific research.

It's easy to do.

And its impact is nothing short of game-changing.

A single appreciation for your partner can turn even the most tense exchange into an opportunity for connection and intimacy.

But there's also a hidden trap when it comes to appreciation.

We call it appreciation deflection....

You sit down at an austere and strange table, one you have never sat at before. The hard wood chair pierces into your mid-back.

Just then, someone else sits down across the table.

That’s when it happens. You've just dropped into a moment of intimacy like a skydiver dropping from a plane.

It's intense, kind of awkward, and, just, too much, too soon.

This might sound like a riveting interrogation scene from a movie or like some sort of inhumane psychology experiment.

But...

Have you ever had a single line of text change your life? 

We have. Here’s a line that changed ours from two of our mentors Gay and Katie Hendricks:

“In all times and every way, we are getting exactly what we are committed to getting.”

Take a moment to sit with this idea. 

Take a moment to let it in.

Consider the idea that, somehow, you are committed to getting all the problems and challenges you experience throughout the day.

Most of us recoil at the...

Has this ever happened to you?

You’re tired, exhausted even, and so is your partner.

In this moment, it's like someone somewhere flipped a cosmic switch, suddenly making your partner's every act excruciatingly annoying.

The words coming out of their mouth. The gross slapping sound they make when chewing food. That they never seem to take their eyes off their damn phone. 

 That’s when it happens. Your mind presents you with a long list of grievances. You're...

New Year’s Eve is just days away.

If you’re like us, you’re beginning to think about new intentions, resolutions, and habits for 2023.

So we wanted to use this newsletter as a subtle nudge, a reminder to think not only about your individual habits but also about your habits as a couple for 2023.

Your relationship, after all, rests on a vast system of often unconscious habits. It’s a system perfectly designed to create both the good and bad in your life...

We're sorry to be the ones to bring you this news. But this is a hard truth you need to hear.

There is a vast, worldwide, conspiracy afoot against you and your partner ever going on another date night.

Your kids are in on it. They'll do just about anything to interrupt that dinner out you had planned for a Thursday night. They'll get in trouble at school. They’ll break their arm. They’ll get a stomach flu. They might even orchestrate a massive fight between siblings at the...

Just the other day, we had a moment of clarity.

Our book, The 80/80 Marriage, has now been out for almost two years. Throughout this time, we've wondered: Why do some couples who read the book report massive transformations while others report feeling hesitant, almost overwhelmed, by the idea of shifting to 80/80?

We finally uncovered the answer: the 80/80 model is radical, way more radical than we initially understood. 

The goal of this framework isn't to shift from...

In the early days of a relationship, you go on these things called "dates." You don’t live together. You don’t share finances. So dates are the only time you see each other.

Then you get married, add a kid or three to the picture and, all of a sudden, you start to have the opposite experience. You're now together. All. The. Time.

You eat together. You sleep together. You spend hours and hours planning the logistics of life together.

So now you need to bring dates back into...

Relationship conflicts come in all sorts of flavors.

There’s the power struggle, the fight over decision rights, or the argument about money.

There’s the classic fairness fight, the dispute over the exact 50/50 balance of housework, child care, and the thousand or so other random logistics of modern life.

But there’s also a subtler, more surreptitious, form of conflict. We call it the I-miss-you fight.

We experienced it just last week. Kaley was away all week for an...