How to Keep Less Significant Others (LSOs) from Wrecking Your Relationship

Want to pick an epic fight with your partner?

Just do this. Take your mom’s side rather than their side in an argument.

Or this. Ditch them for a night out with your friends.

Or this. Cancel on them at the last minute so that you can join a Zoom meeting with your boss.

We’re not actually suggesting that you pick this massive fight. That would be crazy. We’re just highlighting an accidental habit that lives in the background of most relationships. 

What’s the habit? 

Prioritizing others over your partner. 

This unconscious habit flips the natural order of things upside down. There is, after all, an implied hierarchy in relationships. Your partner is your significant other.

They are your number 1, your A-Team, your most important person. All those other people are, by contrast, your Less-Significant Others (we’ll call them  LSOs for short).

The list of LSOs in your life includes your parents, your extended family, your friends, your siblings, your kids’ friend’s parents, your co-workers and colleagues, and sometimes even random people you hardly know.    

You need your Less Significant Others. They bring excitement, joy, fun, and a sense of community to your relationship.

But if you’re not careful, these well-intentioned LSOs can also burn it to the ground. 

How can you manage your relationships with extended family members, friends, and co-workers more skillfully? 

Tools

Step 1: Become aware of your LSOs.

The only way to change this pattern is to begin to see it in real time. So the first step is to begin to notice when an LSO is exerting influence on your system.

It can be helpful to point this out to your partner by saying something like, “I notice that I feel pressured by an LSO to go to this dinner party instead of doing date night together.”

Step 2: Understand the dynamics of power.

Usually, an LSO will exert a disproportionate influence on one side of the marital system. Get clear on which one of you is feeling pressured.

And, here again, have an open conversation about how each of you experience this outside pressure.

Step 3: "What’s best for us?"

The LSOs in your system have their own agendas, which may or may not have anything to do with you and your partner's.

What’s best for your mother-in-law next weekend may not be best for the two of you.

What’s best for your boss or your relative who is coming through town on a road trip also may not be best for the two of you.

So have a conversation about the essential LSO question: "What’s best for us?"

Step 4: Set boundaries and present a united front.

Once you get clear on “What’s best for us?" you may have to set a boundary. You may have to say no.

You may have to disappoint your coworker, friend, or in-laws.

When you do this, be sure to avoid the trap of throwing your partner under the bus by saying some version of, “I was excited to come but she just wasn’t that into it."

Instead, present a united front. This will help you reduce drama and communicate a clean boundary with your LSOs.