KLEMP INSIGHTS
NEWSLETTER

Want to pick an epic fight with your partner?

Just do this. Take your mom’s side rather than their side in an argument.

Or this. Ditch them for a night out with your friends.

Or this. Cancel on them at the last minute so that you can join a Zoom meeting with your boss.

We’re not actually suggesting that you pick this massive fight. That would be crazy. We’re just highlighting an accidental habit that lives in the background of most relationships. 

What’s the habit? 

Prioritizing ot...

You can take all sorts of surveys and assessments to better understand the strength of your relationship.

But we want to propose that a single question—what we call "The Brag Test"—can tell you everything you need to know. 

What's the question?

When you're talking to others and your partner isn't around, do you mostly criticize or brag about them?

If you mostly brag about their accomplishments, best qualities, and strengths, you passed. In fact, you get an A+ on The Brag Test. It's a sig...

When it comes to money, we all understand the concept of debt. If you spend more than you have, at some point, you’re going to have to pay it back, with interest.

But what about emotions?

What happens when you spend more energy than you have by trying to push your emotions away through busyness and distraction?

The answer: you take on “emotional debt."

We noticed this happening in our marriage a couple months ago. We were both navigating intense situations that gave rise to intense emoti...

Here's a passage from Esther Perel's Mating in Captivity that just about knocked us off our chairs the first time we read it:

Today, we turn to one person to provide what an entire village once did: a sense of grounding, meaning, and continuity. At the same time, we expect our committed relationships to be romantic as well as emotionally and sexually fulfilling. Is it any wonder that so many relationships crumble under the weight of it all?

Perel's big insight? That we now expect everything...

There is an invisible urge out there, destroying relationships everywhere.

It often shows up while talking about money, politics, social planning, or parenting.

It surfaces anytime you feel defensive, like your partner has just accused you of even the slightest marital misdeed.

They might question your latest purchase. Did you really need that supplemental butt cushion for the car?

They might question your politics. Are you really voting for that guy again?

Or they might question your de...

Want to start a massive fight with your partner?

Here's one great place to begin. Give them feedback that is the exact opposite of what they hope to receive.

For instance, let's say they just had a hard day at work and want to vent about their boss who fancies himself as a kind of cubicle-ruling autocrat.

How can you turn this moment into a raging conflict?

Easy, interrupt your partner mid-rant with a laundry list of clever ideas and solutions to their problem.

You might say, "Well, have yo...

We live in an age of hyper connection. 

We can text our partner at all hours of the day and night. We can track their every move using Google Location Sharing. We can even FaceTime them when we’re thousands of miles away. 

So why is it so hard for modern couples to stay connected?

Researchers at UCLA have an answer. They followed around thirty modern couples, observing them like anthropologists as they ate, got the kids ready for school, and navigated the logistics of an ordinary day.

The...

Has this ever happened to you? 

You just spent all morning making breakfast, unloading the dishwasher, and packing lunches for the kids. Your partner, meanwhile, just strolled in from a morning workout, seemingly oblivious to all your hard work.

Or you just spent ten hours working your face off so that you and your partner can afford the vacations, the house, and the cost of day care. Your partner, meanwhile, just arrived home from a long walk with a friend and a spacious afternoon where th...

Relationships are complicated.

Circumstances are unique.

Every couple has their own idiosyncratic way of handling money.

These ideas have led us to steer clear of talking about today's topic in past newsletters.

But after years of witnessing couples struggle with money and after the emergence of new research, we felt compelled to talk about this third rail of relationships: the decision to share or split financial accounts.

Our perspective?

Sharing accounts is perhaps the most import...

Why do you feel stuck? Here’s the answer served up by our modern world: your partner. 

Just think about the way conversations with friends go down. When was the last time you were out with a group of women talking about their husbands over drinks and heard the line, “I think my real issue with Steve is that I need to do a little bit more introspective work on myself. I need to figure out how I am creating this dynamic?” 

Is that what you heard? Or did you hear something more like, “F--- Ste...