Tired of Arguing? Shift Your Conflict Mindset in Your Relationship

Think back to the last big argument you had with your partner.

See if you can remember what it was about.

Now go one level deeper: What was your mindset in that moment—the background atmosphere of emotions, thoughts, and beliefs?

We're guessing it sounded something like: “This sucks. How are we arguing about the same stupid thing again? Why are we always fighting? Why can’t we be more like that other couple? Is something wrong with us? Is this even going to work?”

Let's call this The Conflict-As-Problem Mindset. It’s the default way many of us respond to relationship conflict. We get into an argument and spiral into doubt, anxiety, anger, and/or fear.

What’s the problem with this mindset? Two things:

1) It escalates conflict. Once you start thinking catastrophic thoughts, you’re more likely to say things you don’t mean. This frustrates your partner. They escalate the conflict. And on and on it goes.

2) It’s built on distorted beliefs. “We’re always fighting.” Probably not true. “That other couple doesn’t argue like this.” Definitely not true. “If we’re arguing, something is wrong with us.” Not true. Every couple throughout history experiences conflict. Arguing means you’re human. 

What’s the alternative?

The Conflict Opportunity Mindset.

Instead of viewing conflict as a problem, view it as a chance to move closer to each other. It's a simple mental switch you can flip anytime you’re in a fight. 

This might sound like some sort of woo-woo, power-of-positive-thinking meme. But a vast body of research shows that mindset powerfully shapes how we handle stress.

View stress or conflict as a problem, and it becomes one. View it as an opportunity, and it becomes a path to growth.

How do you make this shift during your next argument? Try these three tools:

1. Be on Alert

Noticing your mindset sounds easy, but it usually isn’t.

Like most mind states, we slip into the conflict-as-problem mindset unconsciously.

So next time you’re getting into it with your partner, pay attention to the background atmosphere of your mind. Notice the automatic “this is bad” framing.

It's sometimes even helpful to name it. You might think to yourself, “I see you, conflict-as-problem mindset.”

2. Make the Shift

Ask yourself this question:

What’s the hidden opportunity here?

• Not spending quality time together? That's an opportunity to plan more dates.
• Not talking about what really matters? That's an opportunity to get vulnerable with each other.
• Not having sex? That's an opportunity to be more intentional around intimacy.
• Fighting so much that you can't find your way out? That's an opportunity to see a therapist or coach to help you get unstuck.

3. Flip the Script

The conflict-as-problem mindset results in all sorts of scripted (and mostly unhelpful) behaviors: lashing out, getting passive-aggressive, blaming—all of which make things worse rather than better.

The conflict opportunity mindset invites you to do the opposite:

• Give your partner a hug.
• Apologize for your part in the conflict
• Cook them an amazing dinner.
• Start a conversation grounded in curiosity about what happened.

You get the idea.

If this conflict is truly an opportunity to get closer, act like it.

Do something that's counter-habitual, maybe even a little wild—something that shakes up the pattern and opens the door to a new emotional atmosphere where conflict turns into connection.