KLEMP INSIGHTS
NEWSLETTER

We have a morbid running joke in our house: in a past lifetime, Nate almost certainly died of starvation.

Why?

Because the moment the fridge starts to look even slightly empty, he gets nervous: “What are we going to do? There’s no food!”

On one level, this is just a food supply issue—easily solved by a trip to the grocery store.

But on another level, it’s about emotional safety. You see, the sight of our bare fridge makes Nate feel uneasy, and that unease ripples into the emotional he...

Over the last three weeks, we summited a conversational Mount Everest.

With our daughter away at sleepaway camp for 27 days, we road-tripped through Europe—just the two of us—for three uninterrupted weeks (our first time doing that in about 15 years).

At the beginning, we both had the same worry: How are we possibly going to have enough to talk about, all day, every day, for three straight weeks? 

But it turned out that we had more to talk about than expected. Giving ourselves wide-open...

Lately, we’ve been thinking about two seemingly opposite ways to build connection in relationships.

On one side, there’s safety.

In a chaotic and crazy world, we need this. It’s the feeling of structure, support, and routine that reminds us everything is going to be alright. 

On the other, there’s adventure.

When we take risks, do something new, and explore the edges of our comfort zone, we also grow together. 

Both safety and adventure build connection. Both can also become a trap.

S...

Along with summer comes a parenting and relationship paradox.

Less structure means more space. Time for spontaneous fun. Picnics. Trips to the pool. 

But less structure may also mean that your priorities fade away. 

And for couples with kids, this often means that even though you have more time for fun, you have less time for each other. 

Here are two ways to approach this challenge:

1. The "let's just wing it" strategy. This isn't really a strategy at all. It's just allowing random chanc...

We've been interviewing a lot of couples lately for our new book Busy Love, and one of the things we've noticed is that the greatest threat to connection now arises from an unusual place: our phones. 

51 percent of people say that their partner is “often or sometimes distracted by their smartphone when they are trying to have a conversation with them.”  

71 percent now admit to spending more time with their smartphone than their partner.  

There’s now even a word for snubbing your partn...

 A couple months ago, we wrote a newsletter about using AI in your relationship. We wanted to see what would happen if we asked ChatGPT for advice on navigating our own relationship drama.

But then we learned about a new way AI is showing up in relationships. People aren't just asking AI for advice. They're turning to AI for companionship.

So I (Nate) decided to explore this brave new world to see what happens when you add a third (virtual) person to your relationship.

First stop. I had t...

You can take all sorts of surveys and assessments to better understand the strength of your relationship.

But we want to propose that a single question—what we call "The Brag Test"—can tell you everything you need to know. 

What's the question?

When you're talking to others and your partner isn't around, do you mostly criticize or brag about them?

If you mostly brag about their accomplishments, best qualities, and strengths, you passed. In fact, you get an A+ on The Brag Test. It's a sig...

When it comes to money, we all understand the concept of debt. If you spend more than you have, at some point, you’re going to have to pay it back, with interest.

But what about emotions?

What happens when you spend more energy than you have by trying to push your emotions away through busyness and distraction?

The answer: you take on “emotional debt."

We noticed this happening in our marriage a couple months ago. We were both navigating intense situations that gave rise to intense emoti...

Think about how most conflicts go down.

Your partner says something that triggers you, something like, “Why do you keep putting the bowls in the dishwasher the wrong way?”

You hear this as an attack, an affront to your self-image as a fully competent adult, capable of loading dishes without supervision. 

Your mind starts to flood with thoughts, “What! Are you my boss now? Who cares if the bowls are facing the 'wrong' way?”

That's when it happens. Milliseconds later, you discharge all o...

Here's a passage from Esther Perel's Mating in Captivity that just about knocked us off our chairs the first time we read it:

Today, we turn to one person to provide what an entire village once did: a sense of grounding, meaning, and continuity. At the same time, we expect our committed relationships to be romantic as well as emotionally and sexually fulfilling. Is it any wonder that so many relationships crumble under the weight of it all?

Perel's big insight? That we now expect everything...