KLEMP INSIGHTS
NEWSLETTER

We've been interviewing a lot of couples lately for our new book Busy Love, and one of the things we've noticed is that the greatest threat to connection now arises from an unusual place: our phones. 

51 percent of people say that their partner is “often or sometimes distracted by their smartphone when they are trying to have a conversation with them.”  

71 percent now admit to spending more time with their smartphone than their partner.  

There’s now even a word for snubbing your partn...

 A couple months ago, we wrote a newsletter about using AI in your relationship. We wanted to see what would happen if we asked ChatGPT for advice on navigating our own relationship drama.

But then we learned about a new way AI is showing up in relationships. People aren't just asking AI for advice. They're turning to AI for companionship.

So I (Nate) decided to explore this brave new world to see what happens when you add a third (virtual) person to your relationship.

First stop. I had t...

You can take all sorts of surveys and assessments to better understand the strength of your relationship.

But we want to propose that a single question—what we call "The Brag Test"—can tell you everything you need to know. 

What's the question?

When you're talking to others and your partner isn't around, do you mostly criticize or brag about them?

If you mostly brag about their accomplishments, best qualities, and strengths, you passed. In fact, you get an A+ on The Brag Test. It's a sig...

When it comes to money, we all understand the concept of debt. If you spend more than you have, at some point, you’re going to have to pay it back, with interest.

But what about emotions?

What happens when you spend more energy than you have by trying to push your emotions away through busyness and distraction?

The answer: you take on “emotional debt."

We noticed this happening in our marriage a couple months ago. We were both navigating intense situations that gave rise to intense emoti...

Think about how most conflicts go down.

Your partner says something that triggers you, something like, “Why do you keep putting the bowls in the dishwasher the wrong way?”

You hear this as an attack, an affront to your self-image as a fully competent adult, capable of loading dishes without supervision. 

Your mind starts to flood with thoughts, “What! Are you my boss now? Who cares if the bowls are facing the 'wrong' way?”

That's when it happens. Milliseconds later, you discharge all o...

Here's a passage from Esther Perel's Mating in Captivity that just about knocked us off our chairs the first time we read it:

Today, we turn to one person to provide what an entire village once did: a sense of grounding, meaning, and continuity. At the same time, we expect our committed relationships to be romantic as well as emotionally and sexually fulfilling. Is it any wonder that so many relationships crumble under the weight of it all?

Perel's big insight? That we now expect everything...

 Imagine your relationship as a boat.

In this boat, you've got you and your partner. You might also have a kid or three. And then you've got parents, in-laws, friends, and extended family hanging off the stern.

Oh, and don't forget about things like careers, financial planning, daily logistics, shopping, Instagram and TikTok time, house repairs, laundry, cleaning, school events, and the thousand or so other things that take up space on this boat of marriage and life.

Now imagine what happens ...

When you and your partner start fighting, all sorts of things happen.

Your heart rate increases.

Stress hormones pulse through your body.

Your muscles clench.

You become more defensive, less curious.

But there's something else that changes, something so subtle that it often flies under the radar of our awareness: everything speeds up.

The conversation shifts from a meandering 40 mph drive through the countryside to a 120 mph drag race.

And, just like driving, having contentious convers...

There is an invisible urge out there, destroying relationships everywhere.

It often shows up while talking about money, politics, social planning, or parenting.

It surfaces anytime you feel defensive, like your partner has just accused you of even the slightest marital misdeed.

They might question your latest purchase. Did you really need that supplemental butt cushion for the car?

They might question your politics. Are you really voting for that guy again?

Or they might question your de...

There's an invisible tug-of-war happening in your relationship.

It's not about who does the dishes.

It's not about who tucks in the kids at bedtime.

It's about connection.

And in just about every couple we've encountered, partners unconsciously take on one of two roles.

First there's The Glommer. This is the partner who most craves connection. They just can't get enough quality time and deep conversation. They're always craving more of their partner.

Then there's The Splitter. This partner...