KLEMP INSIGHTS
NEWSLETTER

Why do you feel stuck? Here’s the answer served up by our modern world: your partner. 

Just think about the way conversations with friends go down. When was the last time you were out with a group of women talking about their husbands over drinks and heard the line, “I think my real issue with Steve is that I need to do a little bit more introspective work on myself. I need to figure out how I am creating this dynamic?” 

Is that what you heard? Or did you...

Have you ever argued with your partner about something so trivial, so utterly stupid, that, looking back, it seems like you might have gone temporarily insane?

Examples include but are not limited to fighting about: 

• Whether the toilet paper wraps over or under
• The number of avocados to buy for the guac
• The ideal thermostat setting
• Who is going to get out of bed to turn off the bedroom light
• Who slept worse last night

These aren’t symptoms of relationship dysfunction....

Here’s the first thing the world tells us about relationship success: find a unicorn.

Find your Mr. or Mrs. Right. Find that rom-com-worthy, diamond-in-the-rough guy or gal.

What happens then? Magic. 

Once you find this unicorn partner, they will make everything okay. They will shower you with love and affection.

Unicorns, after all, aren’t like the rest of those other losers out there. They’re always turned on and in the mood. They cook and do all the dishes for fun....

When we interviewed couples, we heard tragic stories of divorce, constant conflict, and affairs.

But we also heard about a milder, more insidious, force pulling most couples apart.

The smartphone.

Think you don't have a problem with your phone? Think again. 

Most research estimates that fifty percent of us admit to experiencing a full-on behavioral addiction to our phones. And while we might touch our partner lovingly several times a day, we touch our phones an average of ...

Along with summer comes a parenting and relationship paradox.

Less structure means more space. Time for spontaneous fun. Picnics. Trips to the pool. 

But less structure may also mean that your priorities fade away. 

And for couples with kids, this often means that even though you have more time for fun, you have less time for each other. 

Here are two ways to approach this challenge:

1. The "let's just wing it" strategy. This isn't really a strategy at all. It's just...

If you've read The 80/80 Marriage, this newsletter, or any book on relationships, you know about the power of appreciation.

It's a relationship tool validated by a vast body of scientific research.

It's easy to do.

And its impact is nothing short of game-changing.

A single appreciation for your partner can turn even the most tense exchange into an opportunity for connection and intimacy.

But there's also a hidden trap when it comes to appreciation.

We call it appreciation deflection....

It's invisible. It's unconscious.

But polarity -- the play of oppositional forces -- exists everywhere in our relationship.

Take messiness. In most couples, one partner occupies the messy side of the polarity, leaving dishes in the sink and dirty laundry on the floor. The other occupies the cleanliness side, trying desperately to keep things tidy.

Take connection. In most couples, one partner is typically the glommer, the one who leans in and wants more love, attention, and time...

You sit down at an austere and strange table, one you have never sat at before. The hard wood chair pierces into your mid-back.

Just then, someone else sits down across the table.

That’s when it happens. You've just dropped into a moment of intimacy like a skydiver dropping from a plane.

It's intense, kind of awkward, and, just, too much, too soon.

This might sound like a riveting interrogation scene from a movie or like some sort of inhumane psychology experiment.

But...

Has this ever happened to you?

You’re tired, exhausted even, and so is your partner.

In this moment, it's like someone somewhere flipped a cosmic switch, suddenly making your partner's every act excruciatingly annoying.

The words coming out of their mouth. The gross slapping sound they make when chewing food. That they never seem to take their eyes off their damn phone. 

 That’s when it happens. Your mind presents you with a long list of grievances. You're...

What's the one logistical decision that has the power to radically alter relationship satisfaction?

It's not whether or not you have kids.

It's not where you decide to live.

It's not whether you both work or whether one of you stays at home.

It's whether you hold joint or separate bank accounts.

In the United States, studies show that 43 percent of couples have only joint accounts, 34 percent have a mixture of joint and separate accounts, while 23 percent keep all of...