Why Your Partner Should NOT Be Your Everything

Here's a passage from Esther Perel's Mating in Captivity that just about knocked us off our chairs the first time we read it:

Today, we turn to one person to provide what an entire village once did: a sense of grounding, meaning, and continuity. At the same time, we expect our committed relationships to be romantic as well as emotionally and sexually fulfilling. Is it any wonder that so many relationships crumble under the weight of it all?

Perel's big insight? That we now expect everything from our partner.

We expect them to be a best friend, a source of support, a kick-ass professional, an occasional therapist, a savvy logistics and business partner, and, of course, an always-available sex God or Goddess.

There's just one problem with this modern expectation. As Perel points out, it puts so much weight on the structure of a relationship that, pretty soon, the whole thing starts to fall apart.

One person can do a lot. But they can't be everything.

How can you break out of this modern trap? How can you save your partner from the burden of being everything? Try these tools.

Tools

1. Build your community.

It's amazing to have a partner who is also your best friend. We highly recommend it.

But that doesn't mean that your partner has to be your only friend.

Building friendships outside of your relationship is one of the best ways to take the pressure off of your partner.

These external friendships make it so your partner doesn't have to live under the weight of being your sole source of fun, support, and connection.

2. Go to therapy (or coaching).

Let's face it, we all have our own unique flavor of neurosis and internal dysfunction. And it's never a good idea to make your partner responsible for helping you navigate these twisted corners of your own mind.

So what are you to do? We have a suggestion. Go to therapy.

For the record, we both go to therapy regularly. And we think of this both as a gift to ourselves and to our relationship.

It's a gift to ourselves because therapy helps us see our blindspots more clearly and navigate our own inner world more skillfully.

But it's also a gift to our relationship because our partner no longer has to play the role of unpaid coach or therapist. They're now free from having to hear us rant for hours about random micro-dramas. 

That's no longer their job. That's our therapist's job.

3. Prioritize deep connection and intimacy.

Many of the roles we ask our partner to play these days can just as easily be played by others.

You don't need to be married to be friends, go to football games, drink margaritas, or sort through logistical challenges.

But, for most of us anyway, there are a few things that can only happen inside an intimate relationship: deep, soul-level connection, romantic love, and sex.

So as you make your partner less of your "everything," be sure to place even more time and attention on these areas that can only be explored in the context of a romantic relationship.

This will turn your partner from your everything to the person with whom you explore the deepest, most meaningful, things.