The Case Against Frictionless Relationships

Here’s how we usually think about relationships:

Connection = good.

Ease = good.

Flow = good.

And everything on the other side of that equation?

Arguing = bad.

Fights = bad.

Conflict = bad.

Friction = bad.

This is the central belief of the friction-free relationship: the idea that the love should feel smooth, effortless, and always in sync.

Celebrities like George Clooney reinforce this idea when they say things like, “We’ve never had an argument. We still haven’t.” Social media influencers, like this random guy on X, do the same when they say, “A good relationship is easy. If it's not easy, it's not that good.”

According to this model, the perfect partner is someone who understands you completely, makes you feel comfortable, and yields like water to your every whim and desire.

For most of human history, this ideal felt out of reach, unattainable.

Until now.

Because today, a friction-free relationship is just a few swipes away.

It’s called ChatGPT. Grok. Claude. Perplexity. Or whatever your favorite LLM happens to be this week.

For the first time ever, we can experience exactly what it’s like to be in relationship with someone who bends to our every preference—who responds to even our most annoying, irrational, and outlandish behaviors with calm warmth and gentle affirmation.

ChatGPT is never going to call you an “idiot,” “self-absorbed,” or an “asshole.”

Instead, it will respond to even your most unhinged ideas with something like:

“You’re absolutely right. What an insightful observation!”

So now that we all have access to this transcendent, frictionless state…how does it actually feel?

Totally freaking empty.

It’s like boxing with a silk blanket. There’s nowhere to land your punch. No counterpunch. No contact. No sense of being met.

Just a steady stream of:

“Absolutely!”

“You’re right to think that.”

“What a clever idea!”

You could see this as a bad thing. But we think that getting a taste of this hollowed-out experience might actually be one of the greatest gifts AI has given to those of us in relationships.

For thousands of years, we could only wonder what it would feel like to achieve the friction-free relationship ideal.

Now we know. And it sucks. 

So the goal can't be to get rid of relationship friction. The goal is to make friends with it. Here's how. 

1. Celebrate Your Differences

The fact that you like yoga and your partner doesn’t…

or you like sports and your partner doesn’t…

or you like working out and your partner would rather die…

That’s not a bug in the relationship system. It’s a feature — but only if you shift your mindset around difference. 

One way to do this is to just imagine a relationship without differences. Here's what it looks like. You just married you. Just think about that for a moment. It's weird, boring, and kind of gross. 

So next time you feel frustrated or disappointed that your partner has a different preference—or sees the world differently—pause and find one thing you genuinely appreciate about their perspective, not because you agree with it, but because it's a difference that makes you both better. 

2. Reveal (Instead of React)

Friction usually triggers unskillful reactions.

We criticize.

We blame.

We scorekeep.

Or maybe we just storm off in passive-aggressive silence and start slamming cabinets or dropping dishes into the drying rack with just a little bit too much force.

That turns friction into disconnection.

So what’s the move?

Reveal.

We talk about this at length in The 80/80 Marriage, but the practice is simple:

Lead — not with your blame-story about your partner —but with the emotional and physical experience you are having right now.

Instead of:

“You’re always late. You don’t respect me. You don’t treat me like an equal.”

A clean reveal sounds more like:

“I felt really sad when you showed up 15 minutes late to our date. Can you text me next time if you know you're running late?”

That’s a reveal (with a request at the end).

It doesn’t accuse. It doesn’t attack. It invites connection.

3. Embrace the Friction

Friction doesn’t just show up in romantic relationships.

It shows up in every relationship involving more than one human being.

You’ll feel it with your extended family, your friends, your neighbors, or your coworkers.

You'll even feel it toward the guy at Whole Foods who’s somehow always putting his cart exactly where you need to walk.

The solution isn’t to run away from friction.

Because if you do, the endgame is pretty bleak: a solitary life inside an AI-generated, friction-free simulation where everyone agrees with you forever.

Instead, the move is to embrace friction.

When you feel irritated or annoyed, remember:

“I’m feeling this because I care,” because this person matters, because this relationship matters, or because this community matters.