Stop Trauma Dumping in Your Relationship (Do This Instead)

Has this ever happened to you?

You say: “Hey, how’s it going?”

The other person says: “Everything’s a total shit show. I spend literally all day Ubering my kids around. I'm in the car so much that I feel like I'm 90. I've got sciatica, this weird rash on my stomach, and my left eye has started twitching every time I feel stressed."

You didn't ask for it. But there it is: a good-old fashioned emotional rant.

This other person might be your friend, your parent, your sibling, your coworker. Or—if we’re being honest—it might be you.

Lately, we’ve noticed these unsolicited monologues popping up everywhere. 

And, courtesy of our 14-year-old daughter (who is way more plugged into the zeitgeist than the two of us), we learned there’s a name for it: trauma dumping.

Trauma dumping is what happens when your neighbor goes off about the declining aesthetics of your shared fence… or when your partner launches into a 15-minute TED Talk on that “clueless idiot” at work.

It’s a conversation with a few oddly consistent features:

First: it’s one-way.

It’s them (or you) filling up all the airtime. Trauma dumping isn’t about learning, connecting, or getting feedback. It’s about handing your emotional garbage to the nearest person with two hands and a pulse.

Second: it’s a 0% responsibility conversation.

The trauma dumper unconsciously slips into the role of the victim. It’s the boss’ fault. The partner’s fault. The economy’s fault. Mercury in retrograde’s fault. Anyone’s fault… except theirs.

Finally: it’s serious.

There’s no room for play or laughter in a trauma dump. It’s too stressful, too overwhelming, too infuriating for flexibility, creativity, or even any sort of admission that “this whole thing is kind of ridiculous.”

To be clear, not all emotional communication involves trauma dumping. You can absolutely share what’s real—without dumping your unprocessed anger all over the people around you.

How do you do that? 

1. Go to Therapy

(a.k.a. Your Designated Dumping Zone)

There’s something beautiful (even healing) about an unhinged emotional vent—where you give yourself permission to spray your grievances like a broken sprinkler head.

The only issue? This kind of trauma dump usually isn’t so beautiful for your friends, family, kids, partner, or the driver next to you at a stoplight. 

Luckily, there’s a safe space for this kind of unfiltered craziness, a place where you can rage all you want without making other people miserable.

It’s called therapy.

And while there’s still some stigma around this amazing emotional innovation, we think that’s B.S. We both go to therapy, and we encourage basically everyone we meet to do the same.

2. Make it a 2-Player Game

Trauma dumping is a one-player game:

You rage.

They take in your rage.

Everyone loses.

If you want to cleanly reveal your problems with friends, family, or your partner, turn it into a two-player game.

• Ask if they’ve dealt with something similar—then actually listen to their answer.
• Lead with curiosity, with a genuine interest in learning, rather than victimhood, righteousness, and blame.
• Make it playful. Laugh at the situation. Laugh at yourself. (Not in a minimizing way—more like: "Wow, if I saw this happen on a reality show, it would be kind of hilarious.")
• And if you start to feel like you’ve taken up too much air… you have. Use that moment of awareness as your cue to ask the other person, “How are you? What’s really going on in your life?”

The key is to lead by example. Your clean reveals have a contagious effect, inspiring others to spend less time trauma dumping, more time sharing their emotions in a way that creates meaningful connection.