Question Tennis: The Surprisingly Effective Cure for Conversational Blah

Over the last three weeks, we summited a conversational Mount Everest.

With our daughter away at sleepaway camp for 27 days, we road-tripped through Europe—just the two of us—for three uninterrupted weeks (our first time doing that in about 15 years).

At the beginning, we both had the same worry: How are we possibly going to have enough to talk about, all day, every day, for three straight weeks? 

But it turned out that we had more to talk about than expected. Giving ourselves wide-open conversational space (without kids, work, or distractions) allowed us to stumble into brand-new thoughts, ideas, and “oh wow, I didn’t know that about you” moments.

Still, the magic didn’t just happen. It often emerged from a simple practice.

Question tennis -- the tool that saved us from the slow death of small talk.

Here's how to play the game.

1. Notice when you’re talking about "the weather."

Two types of conversations happen in relationships: internal and external.

The internal ones? That’s where the magic is. These are the deep talks that explore what you’re dreaming about, stressed about, wondering about.

The external ones? That’s “weather talk.” Not just literal weather—although yes, “It’s hot” / “Yep, sure is” is a prime example—but any surface-level banter. Gossip. The latest political crisis. The annoying parents of your kid's friend who you have to make small talk with during playdates.

These conversations are fine in small doses, but it's easy to get stuck here.

So the first step is to notice -- pay attention to when you get lost in this conversational desert.

2. Play question tennis.

Here’s the game: take turns asking questions that break you out of weather talk.

In our version, the person who asks a question answers it first. Then the other person responds. But you can make your own rules.

Example:

Partner 1: “What are your looping worry thoughts about this fall? I’m stressed that we’ll go back to being crazy busy again with no time for each other.”

Partner 2: “Honestly? Work. Once Labor Day hits, it’s a full-on sprint to Thanksgiving.”

Then it's Partner 2’s turn to serve up the next question.

3. Ask interesting questions.

This is the hardest part. So here are a few tips:

• Give yourself time. Don’t rush. See what questions arise organically in the mind when you give yourself a little space.
• Focus on the inner world. Ask things that reveal what’s going on inside you and your partner. That’s where connection happens.
• Don’t fear repeats. Every couple has recurring issues. Asking about them again—but from a fresh angle—can lead to new insights. Example: “We always seem to prioritize work and extended family over time for us. If we saw another couple doing that, what advice would we give them?”

In the end, all you really have to remember is this: Notice when your conversation gets a little blah. Then alternate asking questions.

That's the essence of question tennis. It's a simple practice that has the potential to radically shift the experience of spending time together.