Is the Fridge Full? What Makes You Feel Safe?

We have a morbid running joke in our house: in a past lifetime, Nate almost certainly died of starvation.

Why?

Because the moment the fridge starts to look even slightly empty, he gets nervous: “What are we going to do? There’s no food!”

On one level, this is just a food supply issue—easily solved by a trip to the grocery store.

But on another level, it’s about emotional safety. You see, the sight of our bare fridge makes Nate feel uneasy, and that unease ripples into the emotional health of our relationship.

How did Kaley die in a past life? Probably something like a long, painful battle with dysentery, brought on by years of living in a filthy, unsanitary environment.

Why?

Because the moment our house tips into the “too messy” zone, she experiences her own sense of panic. Clutter makes her unsettled and agitated, which then also spills into the atmosphere of our relationship.

So here’s the question for you: How did you “die” in a past life?

Or, if that's too morbidly absurd, try this: What seemingly trivial things cause you to feel unsafe?

It could be an overflowing trash can.

A shared car that's one warning light away from a roadside breakdown.

Disorganized finances.

Unreturned phone calls.

Unfinished home projects.

That friend who never texted back.

Devices that never. Stop. Chirping.

The unease you feel from these micro-environmental triggers may seem small, but left unchecked, it can quietly reshape the culture of your relationship -- and not in the way you want.

The good news? Once you identify them, you can start creating safety together.

Here's how.

1. Identify Your Micro-Environmental Triggers

This may sound easy, but many triggers live just below our awareness. If you're having trouble identifying yours, ask your partner: 

“From your perspective, what everyday life situations make me most unsettled?”

Or you could ask the more blunt version:

"What do I blow completely out of proportion?"

2. Care for Yourself

Life gets busy, and it’s easy to ignore your own need for safety. But giving yourself permission to meet these needs—no matter how trivial they may seem—is an act of radical self-care.

Restock the fridge.

Hire the house cleaner.

Organize your monthly expenses so you know exactly how much you’re spending on digital subscriptions (looking at you, streaming service #5).

These small acts aren't frivolous. They’re an investment in your well-being—and in the strength of your relationship.

3. Care for Each Other

It’s one thing to give yourself the gift of safety. It’s another to give it to your partner.

So see if you can learn your partner’s safety language. Think of it like a variation on Gary Chapman’s five love languages.

Once you understand your partner's safety language, you can offer them the ultimate gift:

• Clean up the house before they get home.
• Stop by the store for their favorite food.
• Make their morning cup of coffee exactly the way they like it (which, let’s be honest, is more complicated than ordering at Starbucks).

In short, give them the gift of feeling safe and secure. Then watch as they relax, take an exhale, and feel more loving and connected.