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Non-Complementary Behavior: A Radical Tool for Ending Arguments in Marriage

conflict fairness stress Jun 04, 2020


One of the unique quirks of the human brain is its propensity to mirror the states of others. When we see an eight week old baby smile, we can’t help but smile. It just sort of happens.

But the opposite is also true. When we experience our partner's irritation and anger, we get pissed. We feel an instant surge of irritation and anger. It just sort of happens. 

Psychologists have a name for this phenomenon. They call it “complementary behavior." It’s a fancy way of saying that, when your partner comes at you with anger or irritation, you're wired to respond in kind. It's a hard-wired feature of the brain that leads to endless arguments and conflict.

Is there a way out of this cycle of complementary behavior?



1. Try out being wrong.

Most of these fights involve a struggle for one thing: being right. The attachment to being right is so strong that it leads some people to end their relationships altogether. One problem with our attachment to being right is that it’s often impossible to judge who’s wrong and who’s right. The other problem is that being right comes at an outrageous cost: living in a state of continuous anger and resentment. So, just for fun, during your next argument, see what happens when you open up to the possibility that you are wrong.


2. The Gandhi move.

Now for the advanced practice. The opposite of “complementary behavior" is what psychologists call “non-complementary behavior." It’s the radical practice of doing the exact opposite of your partner during conflict. This is the Gandhi-style move of responding to your partner's searing resentment with love and generosity. It’s extreme. It’s counter to our most deeply-wired instincts. And yet this is the move that can dissolve an argument in 30 seconds or less. Because when you break the cycle of anger by responding with genuine love, kindness, and curiosity, you change the game. Your partner might initially wonder what the hell is going on. They might ask if you’re feeling OK. But, eventually, your "non-complementary" love and generosity will become contagious and the argument will dissolve.

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