KLEMP INSIGHTS
NEWSLETTER
How to Discover What You're Really Fighting About in Marriage
The other day, we had an argument that got pretty heated. It was over how to prioritize our time on a Sunday afternoon. Kaley wanted to meet up with a friend. Nate wanted to do an activity together as a family.
The conversation started out well. But then, it went off the rails. At some point, we both felt frustrated and angry. We both felt like the other person wasn't really hearing us.
In that moment, we realized we had a choice between two very different paths. The first...
Is power balanced in your marriage?
Power.
It’s the marital equivalent of the Wi-Fi network in your house. It’s an invisible force and yet it’s always there, operating in the background. And, just like your Wi-Fi, when power goes out of whack, you feel an instant surge of irritation, anger, and sometimes even rage.
When we started writing The 80/80 Marriage, one of our primary goals was to better understand the dynamics of power in marriage. We had both experienced first-hand the sting of resentment that...
Where's the line between being selfish and self care in marriage?
Here are two common traps in marriage.
The first is getting so lost in errands, to-dos, and the thousand or so other demands of domestic life that you forget about caring for yourself. At the end of the day, you feel scattered, tense, and exhausted. You’ve been carrying the weight of your family system but you haven’t been caring for yourself.
The second is this problem in reverse. It's overdoing self care. Instead of following through on important logistics or doing the things...
3 Tips for Eliminating Drama During a Covid-19 Pandemic Thanksgiving
It’s Thanksgiving (the good news)!
Covid-19 rates are peaking (the bad news).
And that means that all the drama we normally experience at Thanksgiving -- the strange political discussions or the arguments over whether the stuffing should be gluten-free -- now includes all sorts of new emotionally explosive questions.
Questions like:
- "Do we still try to eat a turkey dinner together but just do it outside in the freezing cold, huddled around a patio heater?"
- "Isn't there some way to...
Navigating and Resolving Political Conflicts in Marriage
Ah, politics.
It’s on everyone’s mind these days. And, let's face it, conditions of polarization and disagreement haven’t just intensified in government, society, and the media. They've also intensified in marriage.
Some couples experience the most extreme form of these political conflicts, with one partner representing the far Left and the other the far Right. In the US right now, this looks like an ardent Biden supporter and an ardent Trump supporter, struggling each...
The 'Blame Game' in Marriage Doesn't Work (Do This Instead)
When something goes wrong, horribly wrong, our first instinct is to blame.
We experienced this first hand last year during our family trip to Mexico (ah, vacations...remember those?). On our drive from the airport to the hotel, we were pulled over by the Mexican police for 45 minutes.
Then, our hotel room ended up sharing a wall with the all-night New Year’s Eve dance party, which meant that we (and our 8-year-old) slept, not at all. And then after moving to a new resort,...
Keeping Score is Bad. Accountability is Good. But what's the difference?
It’s date night. You've arranged the childcare. And you and your partner have a clear agreement to meet at 6pm.
There’s just one problem. It’s now 6:15pm, and your partner is nowhere to be found.
You feel angry and rightly so. You text them: "WHERE ARE YOU?" When your partner finally does arrive, at 6:20pm, how do you respond?
It's a question worth asking because your response in moments like these has the power to strengthen or destroy your connection. When...
How can you tell the difference between big and little problems in marriage?
The last several months have been hard on everyone. We've heard this from countless couples. We’ve also heard them say, “Sometimes, I can't tell whether we are just having a bad day or whether something is really wrong.”
At the individual level, this can show up as having trouble distinguishing life's ordinary upsets from something more serious: chronic anxiety, depression, or burnout.
In marriage, this can show up as having trouble distinguishing everyday tiffs...
When do Friendships Outside of Marriage Turn Into Entanglements?
Will and Jada Smith recently introduced a new word into the vernacular of marriage: “entanglements." It’s their way of referring to the people outside your marriage who blur the line between friendship and an emotional or actual affair.
We thought this whole idea of “entanglements" raised a fascinating question: when does a relationship outside of marriage become something more like an emotional affair? When does it begin to undermine intimacy and trust in...
Non-Complementary Behavior: A Radical Tool for Ending Arguments in Marriage
One of the unique quirks of the human brain is its propensity to mirror the states of others. When we see an eight week old baby smile, we can’t help but smile. It just sort of happens.
But the opposite is also true. When we experience our partner's irritation and anger, we get pissed. We feel an instant surge of irritation and anger. It just sort of happens.
Psychologists have a name for this phenomenon. They call it “complementary behavior." It’s a fancy way...
