KLEMP INSIGHTS
NEWSLETTER

We call it the pleasure guilt cycle.

And we’re guessing that you take a ride on this merry-go-round of indulgence and self-loathing most days. We certainly do. 

The pleasure guilt cycle is what happens when two conflicting mental messages collide. 

The first comes from the suffocatingly helpful zeitgeist of modern wellness influencer culture. It goes something like this: 

• “You shouldn’t eat the bacon. Haven’t you read the studies on the links between processed meats and cardiovascular ...

Why do you feel stuck? Here’s the answer served up by our modern world: your partner. 

Just think about the way conversations with friends go down. When was the last time you were out with a group of women talking about their husbands over drinks and heard the line, “I think my real issue with Steve is that I need to do a little bit more introspective work on myself. I need to figure out how I am creating this dynamic?” 

Is that what you heard? Or did you hear something more like, “F--- Ste...

Have you ever argued with your partner about something so trivial, so utterly stupid, that, looking back, it seems like you might have gone temporarily insane?

Examples include but are not limited to fighting about: 

• Whether the toilet paper wraps over or under
• The number of avocados to buy for the guac
• The ideal thermostat setting
• Who is going to get out of bed to turn off the bedroom light
• Who slept worse last night

These aren’t symptoms of relationship dysfunction. They’re a si...

Here’s the first thing the world tells us about relationship success: find a unicorn.

Find your Mr. or Mrs. Right. Find that rom-com-worthy, diamond-in-the-rough guy or gal.

What happens then? Magic. 

Once you find this unicorn partner, they will make everything okay. They will shower you with love and affection.

Unicorns, after all, aren’t like the rest of those other losers out there. They’re always turned on and in the mood. They cook and do all the dishes for fun. They make you breakfa...

When we interviewed couples, we heard tragic stories of divorce, constant conflict, and affairs.

But we also heard about a milder, more insidious, force pulling most couples apart.

The smartphone.

Think you don't have a problem with your phone? Think again. 

Most research estimates that fifty percent of us admit to experiencing a full-on behavioral addiction to our phones. And while we might touch our partner lovingly several times a day, we touch our phones an average of 2,617 times each...

Along with summer comes a parenting and relationship paradox.

Less structure means more space. Time for spontaneous fun. Picnics. Trips to the pool. 

But less structure may also mean that your priorities fade away. 

And for couples with kids, this often means that even though you have more time for fun, you have less time for each other. 

Here are two ways to approach this challenge:

1. The "let's just wing it" strategy. This isn't really a strategy at all. It's just allowing random chanc...

If you're reading this newsletter, chances are that (1) you've heard of the marshmallow test and (2) you've set your life up around passing it with flying colors. 

Nice work!

The marshmallow test, of course, comes from a classic 1972 experiment  conducted at Stanford University. Children were given the choice between eating one marshmallow now or getting two marshmallows if they were willing to wait for 15 minutes (all while staring at the marshmallow in front of them). 

This research, whi...

If you've read The 80/80 Marriage, this newsletter, or any book on relationships, you know about the power of appreciation.

It's a relationship tool validated by a vast body of scientific research.

It's easy to do.

And its impact is nothing short of game-changing.

A single appreciation for your partner can turn even the most tense exchange into an opportunity for connection and intimacy.

But there's also a hidden trap when it comes to appreciation.

We call it appreciation deflection. H...

It's invisible. It's unconscious.

But polarity -- the play of oppositional forces -- exists everywhere in our relationship.

Take messiness. In most couples, one partner occupies the messy side of the polarity, leaving dishes in the sink and dirty laundry on the floor. The other occupies the cleanliness side, trying desperately to keep things tidy.

Take connection. In most couples, one partner is typically the glommer, the one who leans in and wants more love, attention, and time together....

You sit down at an austere and strange table, one you have never sat at before. The hard wood chair pierces into your mid-back.

Just then, someone else sits down across the table.

That’s when it happens. You've just dropped into a moment of intimacy like a skydiver dropping from a plane.

It's intense, kind of awkward, and, just, too much, too soon.

This might sound like a riveting interrogation scene from a movie or like some sort of inhumane psychology experiment.

But it's not. It's di...